


hush all the ticks (before they start to talk)

by riverblujay



Series: non(bri)nary [1]
Category: Polygon/McElroy Vlogs & Podcasts RPF
Genre: Coming Out, Gen, Gender-Neutral Pronouns, Nonbinary Brian, Nonbinary Character, bc in this house we Project, but mostly just a character study on an nb bdg and them coming out to polygon ig, potentially can be read as pat/bri preslash???
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-02
Updated: 2019-05-02
Packaged: 2020-02-15 21:34:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,237
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18677797
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/riverblujay/pseuds/riverblujay
Summary: the world at large, to brian’s surprise, doesn’t care as much as they had thought it would about the fact that they wear nail polish. most everyone likes the fact that they wear it, to be honest. people think they look good with long hair, and ever so chipped colored polish, and it’s… nice.(it’s not enough for brian to tell people,hey, by the way, i’m nonbinary,but it’s nice nonetheless.)





	hush all the ticks (before they start to talk)

**Author's Note:**

> dont take this too seriously or anything im just mid key projecting,, id like to apologize to like the entire world but if you read this then i guess hope you like?? and if you are affiliated with anyone in this fic pls spare my dignity and dont read this???
> 
> im trash and titles are hard so guess what!! title //based on// [history read](https://youtu.be/z3Vj5gBNq70), aka one of my top bdg/altogether songs. it was originally a typo and then i changed it and then i decided i loved it too much and changed it back lmao
> 
> edit: keepitquick on tumblr is a good guesser and made some ( _technically_ anachronistic for this fic, but still really hecking great!!) [wonderful nb bdg art](https://keepitquick.tumblr.com/post/184944842058/oml-im-so-in-love-with-ur-art-and-ur-style) when i sent an ask in and i love them so much for it (pls respect their wishes and do not reblog!!)

 

It isn’t a big deal, _honest_. At least, it’s something that shouldn’t be.

Or maybe Brian just doesn’t want it to be; doesn’t want to deal with the ramifications of being completely out to the entire internet. They’re a pretty private person, after all. It definitely _doesn’t_ matter that they have _he/him_ listed in their twitter bio instead of _they/them_ or _he/him/they/them_ or even just _he/they_.

(The world at large, to Brian’s surprise, doesn’t care as much as they had thought it would about the fact that they wear nail polish. Most everyone _likes_ the fact that they wear it, to be honest. People think they look good with long hair, and ever so chipped colored polish, and it’s… nice.

(It’s not enough for Brian to tell people, _hey, by the way, i’m nonbinary,_ but it’s nice nonetheless.))

Well, actually-

Okay, maybe hiding their gender is something that Brian tries to convince themself is not something that grates at them, even if it does. And sure, it probably doesn't help that they’re also, strictly speaking, not out at work either. Which- Brian knows that, in all likelihood, no one at Polygon would care. That people would be fine with it, that they’re really lucky in that they have some amazing co-workers. But. That doesn’t mean it’s not hard.

(College had been-

College was easy, and hard, and a relief. College was Brian realizing that they weren’t a guy, but also realizing that was alright. Telling their family had been hard but not impossible. Their friends had been, for the most part, good about it too. (Those that weren’t, didn’t stick around, but that just meant they had found out which of their friends was there for _brian_ , not whatever vision that person had wanted them to be instead.) Brian had even managed to tell a few of their professors, in some of their classes.

(moving to New York- living with their sister and their best friend, doing things like a podcast that featured people or characters that were _like them_ ; even if none of the trio said so out loud. That was far easier than they had ever imagined.

))

They could have said something before they started at Polygon. Should have, maybe. But Brian didn’t and now they would have to deal with misunderstandings, or making their co-workers deal with a whole other set of pronouns but only at certain times. It wasn’t personal. Just… easier. Better for everyone involved.

(Except maybe themself.)

Gender had always been something nebulous, to Brian. A mostly irrelevant or foreign concept that they really didn’t care about. It was just kind of… _there_. Not that that meant they had to understand anything about it.

There were times when they leaned more towards one end of the spectrum than the other, they supposed, but overall Brian’s gender usually, eventually, returned to an undefined middle ground. A middle ground where _technically_ , they preferred people using _they_ but were mostly indifferent if someone used _he_ or _she_.

(Their relationship with dysphoria, in particular, was complicated. Brian, fortunately, didn’t seem to have much of it. Maybe that was tied up with how sometimes they just felt disconnected from gender entirely, or something, but it wasn’t an aspect of their life Brian would complain about. The moments when they _did_ feel the crushing weight of _wrong wrong w r o n g,_ it hit hard and ruthless, like a sucker punch to the gut strong enough they could almost vomit.)

Brian really didn’t mind talking about their experience with gender to people they knew personally- quite the opposite, to be frank- but they would admit some steps were easier than others to take. Things like nail polish, growing out their hair; not as hard as one might think.

Them wearing a cute skirt, or obvious makeup, in public? Not as easy to overlook. It was a definite _choice_ , and always drew attention to them (positive, _and_ negative, on occasion).

  


 

 

  


 

It took Brian a long time to gather the courage to wear clothes that were… not quite so masculine to work.

The skirt they’d chosen was one of their favorites; a floral and flowing skater skirt paired with one of their short sleeved button downs. It was a nice look on them, an outfit that they had worn before but never in front of co-workers (or their _boss_ ). Brian didn’t dare sport a pin that boldly declared _they/them_ , (yet) and it wasn’t like they were filming anything today, but. Baby steps. Living your authentic self, and all that.

(Plus, Brian _liked_ this style, and this outfit, and not to sound egotistical or anything but they looked _cute_ in this, god dammit. So fuck the world and all that. They would wear what they pleased, even if it was just for today.)

Jonah and Laura had both given them either a thumbs up or comforting words or a smile in support of them. As if they both knew Brian needed a little encouragement to follow through with this, that they were still on the edge of backing out even if they had spent the past few weeks working up enough nerve to actually follow through with the idea.

They absentmindedly hummed a random song as they entered work, building up to softly singing under their breath. Brian also took more deep breaths than strictly necessary in the name of steeling themself and mentally preparing for a worst case scenario, no matter how (un)likely that being a reality was.

A strange sort of silence filled the floor as Brian exited the elevator and made their way to their desk, but to Polygon’s collective credit, no one mentioned anything and most everyone recovered quickly. Brian bit their lip as subtly as they could as they logged onto their computer and began the day’s work. Of their co-workers already present, no one seemed to mind their choice in apparel.

(Jenna and Simone both complimented them on their skirt. Brian smiled shyly and they thanked each of them in reply.)

Pat wasn’t there yet, but later, when he does see them, he doesn’t even raise an eyebrow. Just says, quietly, “you look nice,” before changing the topic.

Overall… wearing clothes that are more _them_ doesn’t end up too poorly. So they do it maybe a little more often (but still not on film).

Brian doesn’t _actually say_ anything until months later, and even then they’re not vocal. Not like how they are about most everything else.

Just like the first time they wore something even vaguely Not Cis, Brian waited until a day when they’re not filming or streaming. They also almost chicken out, again, even if it’s a gesture that is so very subtle.

(A simple enamel pin, black with silver words, the letters spelling out _they/them_. It isn’t a big pin, but it’s a big step. Even now, on the morning of, Brian still isn’t sure that they’re ready for it.

(Then again, maybe they are- or maybe they were just ready to _finally_ not hide so much anymore, with the people they knew, their co-workers; to have people Brian considered their friends call them by the right pronouns when it mattered, even if not in front of the internet. Or whatever.

))

  
  


 

  
  


Pat’s early, today; he usually hovers somewhere between _early_ and _almost but not_ quite _late_. Anxiety will do that to you, funnily enough.

But anyways, Pat’s early, today, which means he’s there when Brian arrives and is wearing a subtly patterned button up and smooth, black skinny jeans. There’s one more thing, too, on Brian’s shirt, but Pat can’t see it all the way from his desk. From here, though, he _can_ see that Brian seems to have a nervous air about him, today.

Pat’s early, today, and Brian is just shy of late, and it’s somewhat weird to see Brian this outwardly fidgety, Pat thinks as the person in question makes his way to his own computer. As Brian approaches, it’s easier to pick out his nervous tics, and the now visible words on the pin on his chest, _they/them-_

Wait. _What?_

Pat pulls all of his focus into keeping his face calm, and not outwardly reacting at that exact second. He nods awkwardly at Brian, hopefully not being _too_ weird to hi- _them_ \- and takes a moment to compose his thoughts while staring at his computer screen.

 _So. Brian uses they/them pronouns. I guess,_ he monologues internally. _Or maybe_ both _he and they?_

Fuck. he didn’t want to over complicate this, or fuck up, or be an asshole.  

Pat mentally shrugged at himself. For now, he would just settle for attempting to not be a dick or fuck up too terribly. Wasn’t like he had much of a better plan than that.

He stowed the multitude of questions flowing through his brain, at the moment; things like _how long have you known,_ and _when is it okay for_ me _to use they/them for you,_ and so many other details. (Except for _why didn’t you tell me,_ because Pat has seen from enough stories online to know that that’s a shitty question to ask someone that just came out.)

The day passes dreadfully slow as Patrick’s curiosity burns in his mind. He doesn’t avoid Brian, per se, but no one seems ready to confront them about any of it. Pat manages to push back his awkwardness (at least, some of it) and manages to talk to Brian without feeling like too much of an asshole.

“Hey,” Pat says randomly about an hour before the work day is over. “Do you wanna hang out later? My place? We could play Smash or something,” he trails off, nervously biting the inside of his lip. But Brian doesn’t look even close to taken aback; they just smile and respond with a bright, “Sure!” before returning to their editing. Pat forces his attention back on his own work, or at least attempts to.

Time almost flies by, now, for some reason, and it feels like only minutes before Pat and Brian are packing up and leaving, with them trailing maybe a few feet behind him. The two are mostly quiet on the subway- Brian’s slightly nervous energy is palpable and very much weighs in between the pair.

When they reach Pat’s apartment, they don’t talk about it right away; they chat about normal things and avoid the topic and play too many rounds of Smash. It isn’t until long after the night’s begun that Pat brings it up.

“So-” he starts, clearing his throat nervously before continuing, “you, well- pronouns?”

Their lips pull tight somewhere between a grimace and a smile. “Yeah. I… technically- god, I haven’t _actually_ had to _tell_ anyone about this for awhile- but technically speaking, I’m actually not. Strictly a guy.” Brian’s face reveals their nervousness, as they continue. “Nonbinary, if we’re going into specifics.”

“Huh,” Pat manages, and frankly, it makes… a lot of sense, thinking about it. Brian’s tendency to wear skirts, some days, or occasionally makeup. Their ever painted nails and grown out hair. He wouldn’t have guessed it on his own, to be honest, but it does help a few puzzle pieces slot into place. “Good for you? Is that the right thing to say in this situation?”

Brian laughs, full bodied and melodious and maybe even a little relieved, if Patrick’s interpreting correctly. “It’s a great thing to say, Pat Gill,” they reply with a smile.

  


 

 

  


 

They _do_ tell the rest of Polygon, for real, the next day.

Brian can feel Pat’s silent and stoic encouragement- telling him had been a good idea, because even if they had _known_ , intellectually, coming out would go well, it was nice to know they had someone on their side already.

“I’d still rather you use he/him for me, outside of the office- like, for videos and streams- if it’s not too much trouble?” Brian nervously ends. Their eyes dart around the room, and they even see Pat (and Tara) shooting mildly threatening glares at everyone else at the meeting table. (Brian feels warm, when they notice that.) The two needn’t have bothered, though; immediately after they had finished talking, everyone offers their assent and Brian feels another a wave of relief and gratitude.

“Thanks. It- it means a lot, to me,” Brian adds before sitting back down. They smooth out the denim skirt they’d picked for today and ran a hand through their hair (which _could_ use a trim, maybe, but Brian did like the length at the moment, they supposed). The rest of the meeting passed as usual, with pitches and talks of more streams, among other things.

Everyone adopted Brian’s “new” pronouns right away; their co-workers simply took the news at face value and changed accordingly (as the days passed, there were a few times they had had to correct themselves, but overall Brian was amazed at how well the rest of Polygon had taken the news). Brian felt warm and fuzzy and _validated_ whenever they heard the right pronouns fall out of another’s mouth as if it was the most natural thing in the world.

They’re not out to the world, and sure, they _could_ be, but for now it didn’t matter as much because to the people that were important, Brian was seen the way they actually were.

 

 

 


End file.
